i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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