i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
