I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
