I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
