dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
