in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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