I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
