the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
