dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
