There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
