It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
As shirtless as possible
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
