$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
