And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
