i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My vagina just recognized that song.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
