After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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