You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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