My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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