Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
