Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Where is the hickey?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
