wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
