Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
