I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
