Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
