so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
