Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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