anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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