Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
