I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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