tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
