I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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