man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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