All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
