i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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