you have to choose: penises or morals?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you win again, gameday.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
