She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
my penis made a compromise with my morals
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
