I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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