I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
