Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize