I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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