I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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