Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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