I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
