i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize