So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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