My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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