I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize