So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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