He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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