It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
