remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
