I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
