i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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