so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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