I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
