I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
