im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
