I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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