I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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