You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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