someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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