She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Randomize