You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
