tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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